The distance between Oakland and San Francisco isn’t great, but it’s far enough that many residents on both sides of the Bay won’t date outside their area code. How important is geography when it comes to romance?
“The amount of time that a person’s got after work is extremely limited, so first you have that issue,” said Dan Quinn, psychologist and Clinical Director for the Oakland Bridge Center for Psychotherapy and Coaching.
When starting a new relationship, Quinn said people negotiate with themselves to decide how hard they’re willing to work to forge a connection. “How many hours at the end of a workday have you got,” he said, “and can you spend even one hour driving over to the other person’s house to be with them?”
One woman in San Francisco told Hoodline that any East Bay men she encountered via online dating needed to be at least 30% more interesting than a guy in San Francisco. “It’s nice to have a metric,” Quinn agreed, laughing.
“You want someone who’s geographically desirable,” he said. “Unless you’re planning to move -- or they are -- why even go out for coffee?”
After Bara Sapir moved from San Francisco to the East Bay, “I was more keen on meeting men that were local,” she said. “Even dating someone in Marin seems easier than San Francisco,” particularly when driving. Still, “I would never let the distance of the bridge get in the way of the right connection.'
Sapir said a San Franciscan becomes more “geographically attractive” if he has “a beautiful place” or lives in a part of town she appreciates. “Those things are part of the process, just as much as how accessible they are,” she said.
Although he’s open to dating women in the East Bay, “that BART trip at the end of the night is always in the back of my mind,” an unnamed San Francisco man told us. “It’s not about getting lucky,” he said. “The fact that BART stops at midnight can create a sense of urgency.”
The need to rise early, "walk her dog or nab a decent parking spot" have all been reasons to end dates, he said. "Unless those were just excuses."
“The absence of time to be together cuts directly into the capacity to grow intimate,” said Quinn. Even if two lovers are neighbors, “there’s so little time to make a real relationship,” he added.
Forty years ago, therapists “used to think the key to an intimate relationship was having all these really intense conversations,” said Quinn. “Come to find out, that’s not actually true; the people who are successful in happy relationships spend a fair amount of time together.”
“I just want to find someone cool to be with, so where a woman lives isn’t a key consideration,” said our man in San Francisco. “I’d never want to live in Oakland, but I like parts of it, so I don’t mind coming over for the right person,” even though each date may entail two or more hours of travel, he noted.
Ultimately, “you need time in the same room being nice to each other,” said Quinn. “That’s what builds attachment.”
“I’d be more likely to want to hang out with someone it’s easier to spend time with,” said Sapir, “but all of that goes out the window if it’s the right person to really be spending your time with.”
