Open Love NY (OLNY) (openloveny.com) is not a place to “troll for dates.” Rather, it’s a membership-driven organization that supports the polyamorous community in New York City and the surrounding area.
It also happens to be one of the largest polyamory organizations on the East Coast.
Through a wide variety of educational and social events, OLNY seeks to provide its members with an open and safe place to discuss consensual adult relationships, regardless of a person’s gender identity or sexual orientation/preference.
As the past president of OLNY, Mischa Lin has been giving relationship advice for years. In this interview, she discusses Open Love NY, monogamy and common misconceptions about polyamory.
1. How and why did Open Love NY first come to fruition?
The polyamorous community has been a part of New York City for many decades. One of the first poly organizations was called Polyamorous NYC, which was founded in the late 1990s. The founders of Open Love NY were all leaders of PolyNYC before OLNY was formed.
In late 2008, PolyNYC sought to prioritize its efforts toward the LGBT community, which created an opportunity for a new group to be formed to serve the poly community in general. So Open Love NY was formed in 2009 by these ex-PolyNYC leaders to serve the poly community regardless of orientation, race, gender identity, etc.
I was asked to serve as a mediator between PolyNYC and OLNY to work out a separation agreement and subsequently was appointed as the first president of the new organization in July 2010. I served as president until October 2012, growing the membership from zero to over 1,000 people in three years. Currently, OLNY has more than 4,000 members worldwide.
2. Some people argue that humans are "programmed" to be monogamous. What do you think about this proposition?
In America and many other societies in the world, the process of socialization usually includes not only monogamy, but also whiteness, masculinity, dominant religiousness, heterosexuality and cisgenderism, to be held up as the ideal above all other characteristics.
In fact, if you look up synonyms for monogamy, you will find words like "decency," "morality," "honor" and "virtue." While "polyamory" does not yet appear in this particular online thesaurus, it's not hard to see why people might associate poly with negative things when monogamy (it's supposed antonym) is associated with honor and virtue. It's also why many people describe poly as "ethical non-monogamy" in order to counter the inherent bias in our language.
One only needs to look at Disney movies over the last few decades to see that children are socialized to seek out a "one true love" that lasts forever in order to achieve a happy ending. The idea of a sustainable and loving multi-partner romantic relationship is never even considered as an option.
It also should be noted that the notion of marrying for love is a relatively modern concept - prior to 50 years ago it was perfectly acceptable for marriages to be consummated for reasons not including romantic/sexual love.
3. Why do you think polyamory isn't talked about openly?
While some form of polyamory has been around since the start of civilization, the idea that it could be an ethical and workable alternative to monogamy for a large portion of the population is still fairly new. So part of it comes from the lack of awareness but that is changing rapidly as things do in the Internet age.
It is also common for people who are engaged in poly relationships to face harsh judgement from others who either don't understand the concept or conclude that since it's not right for them, it must not be right for anyone.
Faced with the possibility of public condemnation and/or ostracism, many poly people prefer to remain partially or completely closeted for the safety of themselves and their partners.
4. Open Love NY hosts a variety of educational and social events. What can be expected from them?
Open Love NY-sponsored events have to meet a standard of criteria that our members value. We have a two-leader rule that ensures at least two leaders are present at all events to enforce these standards. We require respectful behavior and verbal consent for any physical contact more than handshakes. We also practice safer space for all sexual orientations, gender and kink identities, as well as those who identify as monogamous.
"Safer space" means using inclusive language that acknowledges the diversity of the group, including diversity of sexual orientations and gender identities. Statements and language that marginalize or assume homogeneity in our group (such as language that assumes there are no lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or asexual people in the group), or that are offensive toward any particular group of individuals is not tolerated.
Our events are geared toward building community, not specifically for dating or trolling for partners. We don't allow gendered pricing (e.g. "ladies free") or exclusionary (e.g. men/women only) events to be posted in our group. Any event that we co-sponsor must treat all our members respectfully and equitably to the best of our ability.
5. Can a person “hack love” by going against the grain of traditional relationships?
I don't look at it as a hack. The easiest way I can describe poly is that it's about changing the relationship to fit the people in it, rather than making the people fit the relationship. Some people can get their traditional relationship off the rack and they're fine with it; others opt to custom-tailor their relationship to make it more satisfying and sustainable.
6. What are the most common misconceptions about polyamory?
There are literally dozens of articles that list these, but I'll just point out the top three.
1. It's all about sex. People often conflate poly with swinging, which is actually all about sex. Swinging is an activity (i.e. You and your partner go out to swing) but polyamory is a relationship style (i.e. We are poly). Being poly doesn't mean you have more or less sex, or that sex is the primary motivation. Being poly means you give yourself permission to love more than one person openly and with the consent of all parties involved, without crossing any of the boundaries you've agreed to.
2. You can't be poly if you're a jealous person. Poly people feel jealousy just like most people do. But poly people try to understand that jealousy is almost always a symptom of an underlying insecurity, not something that your partner does to you. In order to take responsibility for your own feelings, sometimes you have to dig deeper to understand where those feelings are coming from. In the process, you may figure out that if feelings of jealousy were valid, perhaps your expectations for your partner were not shared, or they might be unreasonable to both of you.
3. Poly people are afraid of commitment. In fact, while monogamous people typically make a single commitment at a time, poly people often juggle multiple commitments simultaneously. But instead of sweeping commitments of sexual/emotional fidelity or permanent co-habitation, poly commitments are usually more specific and allow for other commitments to be made concurrently while preserving individual identities and goals. Poly people who break their commitments are cheating just the same as monogamous people who do the same thing.
For more information about Open Love NY, visit www.facebook.com/OpenLoveNY.
