There is the grotesque stereotype of New Yorkers being unfriendly; rumor has it that you hold the door for a New Yorker, they will often say, "you must not be from New York." This is insane. ALL normal rules of etiquette hold true in New York. Pleases and thank yous and excuse mes, all of it. You just don't have to smile when you say all this. Nobody likes a phony. Just nod and be civil.
If you get lost, don't be afraid to ask for directions. It may seem like New Yorkers walk at high speeds to avoid human contact, but they're not trying to be dicks. They've just got places to be. But here's a secret: Real New Yorkers LOVE giving directions. Don't be surprised if you stop someone to ask for help and three other people intervene with better routes. There's no greater pride than knowing the streets and subways inside out. Give the locals a chance to shine.
[Photo via Flickr: James Schwartz]
Besides that? DON'T WALK IN THE FUCKING BIKE LANES. Look, yes, bikers can be terrible. When they ride on the sidewalk or run through red lights or, lord have mercy, when they bring their bikes on the subway when it's perfectly nice outside. Having said that, when you walk in the bike lane, you are basically saying, "Hey, delivery guy making less than minimum wage, I sure hope you die." Why would you say that? Walk on the sidewalk. Quickly please.
Tip your bartenders. Especially you, Europeans. ESPECIALLY YOU, Australian dudes. WE KNOW YOU KNOW. Dollar a drink is customary but if you have some sort of principled stand on the injustice of that, just throw some loot down. Buybacks (that lovely ritual where the bartender will buy every third or fourth round for tipping customers) are not as prevalent as they used to be but they can still be had and you're not going to find out if you're a skinflint.
Don't be weird around celebrities. A disappearing custom as even New Yorkers seem to have fallen under the poptimist spell of "giving a shit that someone is on TV," but you will, we promise, enjoy your New York experience so much more if you're not scaring the beejeezies out of Dave Attell outside the Comedy Cellar. You are cool. You have an innate worth entirely divorced from whatever fleetingly famous person you may see in the line to pee. We truly believe that. Act accordingly. Obviously, if they invite you into the bathroom with them, then that is your path and you must walk it."
Comedian, writer and actor Dave Attell. [Photo via USAF photo archive]
See the complete VICE Guide to New York.
