Early Friday morning, Pittsburgh River Rescue was called to a scene straight out of a bizarre comedy. A suspect, now known as Michael Fischer, was arrested for stealing an 82-foot yacht from Lock Wall Marina in the Strip District. Pittsburgh Public Safety reported that the incident occurred just before 8:00 a.m., with the vessel later coming to a stop along the river wall, a mere fifty yards from the River Rescue boathouse. While Fischer was intoxicated during his escapade, there were no damages reported to other boats.
Channel 11 provided a closer look at the aftermath with an interview with the yacht's owner, Michael Jennison. "Oh my gosh, every single thing was torn out. The cabinets and everything. We were crunching on potato chips and cheese puffs. It was like a giant party had gone on. The liquor cabinet was empty the liquor was everywhere. Bottles everywhere," Jennison told Channel 11. According to Jennison's account, it appeared that multiple individuals had been on board, suggesting a chaotic and uninvited festivity had taken place on his property.
Adam Kernohan, the boat captain, expressed his relief to Channel 11 that despite the yacht drifting under multiple bridges and crashing, no one was hurt, and no further damage occurred. With the owner's observation of how things unfolded, it seems Fischer had ambitions beyond a mere joyride. "Somehow they got onto the boat. They must have tried to start the engines because they have my diesel engine book opened on the bed, like trying to figure out how to start the engines," Kernohan remarked.
After the yacht's unceremonious docking, River Rescue quickly apprehended Fischer. The peculiar sight of the suspect, surrounded by remnants of his revelries—pistachio shells and an almost empty bottle of rum—was detailed by Pittsburgh police. "He was sitting right there. Laying back. Passed out, pistachio nuts everywhere, a bottle of rum mostly all drunk, just a little left in the bottom," Jennison added during his recount of the incident. While in custody, Fischer's alleged aim to "meet some Pittsburgh Pirates" became clear, though this peculiar quest landed him felony charges instead.
As Fischer awaits his fate, this incident serves as a strange blip on Pittsburgh's storied rivers—a reminder that the currents of poor judgment flow as readily as the waters of the Allegheny. More details on the charges and subsequent legal proceedings will be expected to surface in the coming days, according to Pittsburgh's KDKA News.
