The Strange Business Names of Haight Street

Comprehensive business record-keeping in San Francisco began in 1941, with the Little Sisters of the Poor -- still active on Lake Street. It’s easy to imagine the St. Francis Yacht Club (registered in 1942) and the San Francisco Orchid Society (1952) even if you've never visited. But what about The Institute for Triangulation? Pregomaniacs? In the Shadow of the Gargoyle? Haight Street -- a destination for tourist and locals alike -- apparently still holds some secrets.

There are 166,287 active registered businesses in San Francisco, according to the city’s database. Spanning just less than two miles, Haight Street is host to 955 of them. Of course, not all have storefronts, or even local name recognition. And some -- at least their names -- are downright wacky.

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Any list of local mysteries must include the Freemasons, of course. Good thing there’s a whole slew of chapters registered in the Lower Haight. The latest numbers for the United Scottish Rite show that the San Francisco branch of the “world’s oldest fraternity” owns $5,368 in assets as of year-end 2011 with a reported income of $60. And without actually being a member, that’s about as much as we’re allowed to know. The Scottish Rite, a semi-independent branch of the Freemasons, has held several chapters in San Francisco over the years, with names such as Aleppo Temple, Far West Royal Arch Masons and Isis Court, all based right here in the Lower Haight. SF Weekly named Gozzard the “Most Mind-Fucking Local Metalheads You Haven't Heard Of” back in 2011. The group is led by "magical minstrel" Thomas Cuddeback, who brings "the stone gargoyle Dratacus to life with his guitar." To protect the rights to the band’s name and songs including “Old and Grey” and “Die the Day Away,” the band was registered as a business in 2005. But what do such details matter when you’re dealing with an entity that “uses the dragonian warrior to sing his songs of wisdom and wonder, of love won and lost, and of freedom from bondage," right? Fuzzy Galore’s about page may well describe half of the Lower Haight's mid-day café dwellers: "A couple of semi-employed geeks, willing to live in a very small apartment, but not to give up on all our habits." These knitting savants post tips and patterns as an ode to a long-closed knit supply shop, where the two apparently picked up their needling skills. Think yarn reinventions of a fox stole, vegan style. “We also have a Fuzzy/Pussy very much Galore of our own, but that's another story.” And we’ll leave it at that. Greg keeps busy. The interestingly-named comedian/variety showman apparently performed 387 shows just last year, entertaining children and corporate groups alike with his rubber chicken kazoo, balloon art and extreme juggling. Maybe he could give the kids of the Upper Haight some lessons? Greg may be the only one on our list that’s actually making money with his business. Go Greg, go. There’s ballet and then there’s Bicycle Ballet. Founded in 1996, this art form is meant to be viewed from above, originally based on marching band and synchronized swimming formations. Then “a firefly firework side look has evolved.” (You have to see this.) “The focus is on the beauty of the bicycle, its ride and the intermingling shapes of motion,” according to the group’s website. They also occasionally give 12-mile bike tours of the city and continuously blow people’s minds putting bike polo to shame. Speaking of spinning wonders, hula hooping madman Philo Hagen has been headquartered on Haight Street since 2007. Known for his almost-naked hula hooping adventures down the streets of Los Angeles (for which he was featured in Huffington Post), Hagen is the world’s most dedicated hoop ambassador. In short, HuffPo says, “Philo Hagen is the leader of a dance revolution.” Of course, Hagen is just keeping alive a long tradition of hoop twirling, which has been recorded in early civilizations in Egypt, later in England (where doctors recorded the activity was causing patients to throw out their backs) and Native Americans, who used a multi-hoop dance to tell stories. You can read more than you ever needed to know about hooping at Hagen's site.

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What, you ask, about the Supreme Queens on Lower Haight? Or Thee Badest Chick? Crocodile College, Men Are Pigs Music, or In the Shadow of the Gargoyle? Oh, they’re out there, alright -- all on Haight Street.